Oh God What have I done?
by Madame Hardy
Summary: Josh has a heart to heart with Stanely. Please RR need the moral support to get me through season 6. Dedicated to Lattlelady, Lystelle and Stargirl.


**Dedicated to StarGirl, Lystelle and Lattlelady:**

Extraordinary ladies whom I enjoy reading...

Disclaimer: Don't own them, if I did, Josh and Donna would be married and pregnant by now and Danny would have the Press Secretary of his dreams.

Spoilers: GAZA, MEMORIAL DAY, NSF THURMONT, THE BIRNAM WOOD

**OH, GOD What I have I done?**

By

Madame Hardy

_**Josh's POV:**_

"Stanely." I realized even before I looked at the speed dial.

A man, very groggy answered the phone. I didn't even know what time it was. Where I was, I couldn't tell you, my internal clock was ticking at a rate I wasn't aware of.

"Josh, is that you?"

"Yeah, sorry. I shouldn't have called." I said sheepishly. Why had I?

"But you did. How's it going?" he asked me, his voice perking up a bit.

"Uh, not as good as I would want it right now." Ain't that the truth. Donna's in ICU, the Israeli's and the Palestinians are about to kill each other and I can't get a signal to call her.

"I see. Let's go back a bit. You've had a pretty hectic week." He said to me as I sat in the SUV on the way back from Camp David. Everyone was asleep but the driver.

None of us had much time to sleep brokering a peace accord between the two Middle Eastern peoples. "Yeah." I sighed so tired and wound I couldn't stop fidgeting.

"How's Donna?" he asked me point blank. How's Donna? She got blown up because I sent her on the CODEL. "She'll make it. Her heart's fine."

"Interesting you should say 'heart'. That's what was injured when you were shot. Josh, what happened in Germany?" he asked as I winced at the memories coming to the surface. I was silent for a minute. "Josh, it's okay, she's recovering, she's going to be alright. You told me that yourself. Tell me about the day in Gaza."

"I was working in the office. Then CJ came in and said that there had been an explosion in Gaza, the CODEL." I told him completely devoid of any emotion.

"Then what?" he asked me.

"We all ran to the bullpen to watch the television and began trying to get a hold of anyone. Then we saw Toby's ex-wife, no that isn't right. She called him and CJ noticed her on the television. I kept asking about Donna. He told me she was in the car that..."

"You can say it Josh. It's over and she's recovering." He told me but I felt like a vice grip was around my throat.

"The car that... blew... up."

"That's right Josh. She was in the car." He answered me. I know that, I saw it on TV!

"Then what happened?" Stanely asked me because all I could see was everyone shouting at the TV, at each other, and all I could hear was my heartbeat. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to be sick. I didn't know which way to move.

"Everything seemed to slow down. Like none of it could be happening." I answered not even realizing I said it. "I kept asking about Donna, but no one knew anything."

"And?" he asked as he always did.

"I got mad. I wanted to start breaking things. Donna, I sent her there. I did it."

"Terrorists did it Josh. You didn't do that to her." He told me but I didn't believe a word of it.

"I walked around for a few minutes. CJ hugged me; everyone stared. I did that to her. That's all I could think. I was so GOD DAMN mad. I kept calling, anywhere I could. I had to know. Did I kill my Donna?"

_My Donna. _That's who she was to me, even though I hadn't declared it to anyone. Even though everyone in the car was sleeping I was wired wide-awake. I felt an all too familiar pain in my chest. I couldn't stand it. I had sent her there. His voice broke my silence once again.

"Then what?"

"I found out she was alive. I still couldn't breathe. I stood against the wall for a few minutes and then called her parents. They didn't need to hear it from CNN. Then Leo called us in to see the President. Everyone kept asking me how she was. I started to tell them but it seemed like I was repeating myself in some bizarre round robin. I wanted them all to shut up, to leave me alone. I wanted to... I didn't care what they thought. I wanted to kill everything over there."

I closed my eyes and put my fingers over them as if doing that could stop the tears coming from my eyes. "Josh. Take a few deep breaths with me alright?"

I did and felt a bit better but the guilt still gnawed at me. "A'kay."

"Once you got to see Leo something happened didn't it?" he asked as if he already knew.

I felt like great, he gets hourly updates on my outbursts. "Yes. I really lost my temper. They were all discussing the explosion as if it were a... Kate was...she was fucking defending them Stanely! I wanted to kill them and killed who helped them and kill everyone who liked it. I wanted them to pay for what they did to her."

"What did Leo do?" he asked.

"Did he call you?" I asked hating the fact that Leo had Stanely on speed dial.

I rolled my eyes; at least it wasn't in front of the President this time.

"He did, but that's besides the point. Tell me what happened when Leo called you into his office."

"He asked me if there was anywhere else I'd rather be then it would be okay." I told him remembering his face, how at that moment all I wanted to do was run. "I left. I grabbed my bag and ran. I didn't even look at _them_."

"That's right Josh. You knew where you needed to be, with Donna." He told me.

"What happened when you got to Germany?" he asked after a few moments.

I wanted to die. She was lying there broken because of me. "I got there and she was alive. I wanted to throw up. I was tired, and sick inside."

"It's normal to feel that way about someone you love Josh. You've lost so many and you couldn't stand to lose her."

I was crying now. That did it. "Yes." I croaked. _Way to go Lyman..._

"Josh, it's alright. I know that you feel deeply for her. I would feel the same seeing someone I care about hurt. What happened next?"

"She spoke to me. And tried to smile. Then after a while, her boyfriend came in. Dashing, handsome Mr. Photojournalist with flowers. He even kissed her."

"You weren't too happy with that, were you?" he asked.

"No. Let's just say I wasn't going to be able to compete with that. He left thankfully. I sat with her for a while. I just watched her. She was so still, and pale, and cut up from the car. She woke up again and made fun of my stubble. She said I looked tired. Can you believe it? She's broken and in agony and she's worried about _me_?"

"That's the way you work, you and Donna."

"Two plus two equals a bushel of potatoes?" I ask knowing that he means we are two so alike that our similarities compliment our differences.

"Exactly. Leo told me that it got difficult after that." He said wanting to go where I wasn't sure I was ready to say the thoughts I had aloud.

Part Two

"Yeah." Was all I could say. Did it ever! Things happened fast. And I didn't want to face them. I had stayed together this long, and didn't want it all to crumble.

"What happened Josh?" he asked in that tone I hated. It was the one that said, 'Tell me what I want to know, you're not getting out of here until you do.'

"The Palestinians wanted some clandestine Nick Danger meeting to...you don't need to know why..." I rattled off in my trademark sarcastic tone.

"Josh." Was all he said and I knew that the bullshitting was over.

"I came back and there was..." I was going to lose it, lose that control I'd been fighting to maintain. I was going to crumble and I didn't have my Donna to catch me when I fell.

"You can say it. She's stable. She's recovering, she's safe." He told me, but I knew that if I answered him, it would just _hurt too damn much._

"It's hard Stanely." I told him my throat suddenly dry and hurting.

"What did you see?" I heard him ask in his classic calm voice.

"Bandages...the bed was gone...blood." I croaked again my voice failing. "I think I ran down the hall."

Unconsciously, I ran my hand down the length of my scar, the pain in my chest now more than a dull ache. _God what had I done? How could I let her go?_

"What was wrong?" he asked my as I noticed out the tinted window that it had begun to rain.

"Pulmonary Embolism." I answered completely devoid of any feelings.

"Like your father." I heard him say.

"Yeah." Was all I could say picturing her on the table. "The doctor came out and told us, Colin, Mr. Wonderful had come back. We were waiting." _Was this what Donna did when I got shot? Did she feel this ripped apart?_ "They were prepping her."

I suddenly felt that tightness in my chest, and the awful taste in my mouth.

"Josh, I want you to take a few deep breaths." He ordered. We sat silent for a few minutes until it passed and I could feel my fingers again.

"Yeah. Lately breathing seems kind of hard Stanely. You try it. It's my fault she lost so much blood."

The tears started again. I looked at Toby, sleeping soundly and was jealous. He was at peace. Andi was whole and all right. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize Josh. That's the last thing you need to be doing."

"It's rough. She was...is everything to me. And Mr. Photo-come-up-and-see-my-darkroom stood there and had her in a way I hadn't, that I should have."

"It's normal to be jealous." He told me. I scoffed at that.

"I'm not jealous. Okay, yeah, I'm jealous as hell." I said drawing circles on the fogged windows.

"What happened next?" he probed again waiting for my cue.

I did really not want to go there but that's why I called him, to go there and not be alone. "The doctor came out and said, 'She wants to see you.' I immediately thought he meant, Mr. Wonderful. But he said no Mr. Lyman. Stanely, she wanted me! I stood there, probably with my mouth wide open. But why shouldn't she want me. I'm her best friend! They dressed me in scrubs, and I saw her lying on the table. I wanted to throw up. But she looked at me. She was so fucken scared. Stanely all I could do was hold her hand."

_Oh God what had I done?_

Stanely sensed my stress. That's why he's as good as he is. "That's what you do, you're there for each other."

"It took forever Stanely. Is that what she had to go through?" The pain in my fucken chest was so bad I couldn't stand it. "The whole time I sat there with Mr. Heathlciff-on-the-moor telling me about unrequited love and how his girlfriend, the one he had let slip away. He didn't know Donna and me. He had no right to tell me our business. But he _knew._ That's what scared me. I sat for three days and waited for her to wake up."

I stayed quiet for a long time. He understood, I needed to breathe a while. I was close to that bad place again. "She's safe now."

He listened, no doubt taking my emotional temperature. "Josh, remember she chose you. Who did she ask for when she opened her eyes?"

"Me." I croaked. The memory of her gasping my name, _Josh, oh Josh... _I thought I was going to explode. Her voice, so full of desperation, calling _my_ name.

"Yes, you Josh." He answered as if his saying would give it validation.

"What else did she say?"

"Uh, she called my name. It was like I was drowning and her voice pulled me back. It was..." I tried to finish, my Fulbright education failing me. "She said, 'you're still here.' I told her 'yeah, I'm still here.' Those words were the most beautiful things I've ever heard."

"You were Josh, and even unconscious, I think she knew that." He told me. I couldn't talk; my throat was hurting. I was still processing what he had just said to me.

"Yeah, then she kicked me out." I snapped thinking of her mom's presence and that of Mr. Wonderful.

"Josh, you were there. She knows why. You know why. I can't tell you anything you don't already know. And you know that she's coming back."

"To me." I told him confidently.

"Yes, I believe she is." He said; I could tell his smirk when I heard it in his voice. "Where she's going to need you to be strong for her."

"I can do that." I affirmed feeling more like Da Man then a gomer.

"Yes you can. How are you feeling now?" he asked me quietly.

"Tired. Cranky. Wishing she'd get back here already. She didn't deserve this."

"No one does Josh. But we get better. You need to remind her of that." He told me, but that I already knew.

"Yeah we do." I replied.

"Call me if you need to." He instructed as I checked my watch. It still sucked.

"Thanks I will."

"Josh, you alright?" I hear Toby ask as I look out the window.

"Yeah." I tell him. I do feel better after I talked with Stanely. But I still feel guilty. I just need to get her back home and never let her go again. I need my Donna.

"You know if you need to talk." He began never looking towards me. He didn't need to.

"Yeah."

"You gotta tell her, and soon." He reminded me.

"I know."

"You love her?" he asked me point blank.

"Yeah." I say in a whisper, the word meaning so much I can barely say it.

"She loves you too. We all know that." He answered putting his hand on mine.

"Yeah, I nearly lost her. Toby? How could I do that to her?" I said my voice cracking.

Toby, in his trademark smirk, said, "You think if I had known Andi could have been blown up that I would have let her leave? I'd have chained her to the bedposts. We just don't know. I want..."

"Yeah so do I..." I seconded.

"Yeah." He looked at me and shook my hand, sealing our silent packed.

Things were gonna change, and soon.

TBC


End file.
